I Taught Myself to Find God (Article)

Updated: Jun 4, 2020

In the beginning of my spiritual road, I held a slew of questions that put off those who tried to teach me about who I really am. I was an annoyance and I saw it in the frustrated faces, in the people who wanted to rattle off words from the church and the bible. They never questioned those words, so they never had the answers to the questions I had as a child.

More of what it was like for me, the spinning head effect

I found some things hard to believe that were told in the Bible, both as a kid and even now. It doesn’t mean I have the information I need to judge them. It just means I found them hard to believe. So, as a kid, when I questioned such things and no one had the answers, I did what people do; I filled in the blanks myself. Through a lack of understanding and a lack of information, I came to a conclusion (a wrong one); none of this was real and God did not exist. Sometimes it seems like the easiest way to kill the rat is to burn the whole house down. That's exactly what I did and in leaving the church I attended for the first 12 years of my life, I dropped all contact and ran.

See/purchase image in writer's photography portfolio

Over the years I would bounce back and forth between believer in spirituality and non-believer. It was because, in my heart, I knew there was more to me than this mass of tissue. Yet every time I tried to understand the "more", I only found the same channels I'd been previously led through. That quickly drew me back to the void. After a while, the nagging feeling of wanting to know who I am would come back into play and I'd start the whole process over again.

I’m not usually the type to back something so significant without proof. I might throw a penny in a fountain, knowing it’s likely that my wish won’t come true because hey, it's just a penny. What I won't do is throw my heart and soul into a spiritual future without some significant information.

I went on for a while to do what people often do, make fun out of what I didn’t understand. I used terms like “Sheep", “Jesus Freak” and “Bible Thumper”. I assumed (again, wrongfully) that the actual meaning of the word “Church” was “Money Maker”.

My transition

Some time around 2005 I became a regular attendee at the Seattle, WA chapter of IANDS (International Association for Near Death Studies). I continued for the next seven years. The meetings generated an immense amount of understanding toward who I am; somewhere inside my body, but not just the body. IANDS is full of people who share stories about what happens when a person is clinically dead, then brought back to life by rescue. I heard what people saw, who they spoke to and what kind of profound changes it all made in their lives.

By about the year 2015 I had become a very spiritual person, just not in alignment with God. I believed in the universe as a whole and that I had a soul, but not in the fact that there would be any one mind that corralled the entire thing. Though I knew I had a future outside of my body, I had no attachment to any specific being and no idea what that future would be.

That very same year, things changed.

There was a night when my partner and I were not getting along. I was reeling from damage caused by both other people and my own ignorance. She saw that and said a prayer for me, asking God to come speak to me and help with my troubles. And when it finally happened, I had no idea it was triggered by her request. It was nothing from the ordinary and I had no idea how to process it.

The Voice

Someone did just what my partner asked. A voice tuned in, seemingly out of nowhere. Something within or outside of me spoke to me. Let me be clear, I don’t hear spiritual voices the same way I hear a human speaking. Sound shaped by lips and tongue does not enter my ears. It’s hard to explain, but the best I can say is that it’s more like a download of information. I think maybe what happens is that; in order for my relatively puny, human, head-mounted computer to understand, I have to take that information and put it into internal words.

Anyway, it happened as clearly as the words on this screen. I "heard", I listened and what happened from there will take a steady stream of blog articles to explain.

Why Do I think the voice is not my own thoughts?

I don't know what you think of what I'm saying, but let me run through a quick list of what I would have thought in the past if I'd heard this from someone else:

  • Maybe this guy had already heard people say, or maybe he'd read about, what "the voices" are saying. It somehow got stored in his brain subconsciously. He forgot it all on a conscious level and it's now coming back through "a voice-oice-oice-oice".

  • Maybe there is some sort of internal collection of common knowledge that we all have. Again, it could be coming from within.

  • Maybe a straight jacket and few happy-pills a day would clear this right up?

"Scared Snow" by Shawn P Keenan

I understand the need for those possible explanations. Why? Because I'm a nerd at heart, a scientist. I've worked for most of my life with physical devices, electronics, mechanics, computer code and a slew of other types of geeky experimentation. From education, from experience comes my natural need to immediately find the most conventional, comfortable reasons. It's only when my findings don't fit a precedent that I start exploring the oddball theories and possibilities.

I did my own tests and got results that I couldn't deny

Before I started using terms like "God does this" and "God does that" (something I'm still not used to hearing out of my own mouth), I decided to test the holy waters. I made very specific requests to God and in return I’ve had very specific answers. Within those answers are things I’d never previously heard.

One example... There was a moment before my daughter came along. She was a direct answer to a time when I was angry with God, making a demand that he show me what so many mishaps and self-improvement struggles in my life were worth. A few days later, while my partner and I were actively trying to not have children, it hit me, "she's pregnant". And at age 42, while actively trying to not have children, it was a reality (there will be an entire article on that later).

What you should believe when it comes to God

To some degree I think everyone should have the right to be on whatever path they need to be on at any given moment. You don't get to God by force.

For those who know Christ and God, many of us believe because we’ve seen things we can’t deny. That means instead of judging others, we have to be there for them if they ever want more information. Everyone on this rock is a child in some sense. That gives us more potential to be peers and guides. It gives us less right to be the judges we often think we are.

"Canyon Rainbow C"

How do we get to an understanding?

It’s complicated, not by the soul and not by God. We get confused by many other things. There are those who hide behind religion so they can damage others. There are those who engage in it for the sole purpose of making gobs of money. People dub themselves “teachers” who have no deep answers. People sometimes have information that seems to support the idea, that there is no such thing as life beyond what we see.

How do we best get to the real information? In part, we do our own research. I don’t mean hoping on the internet and searching for “is God real?” (click the link to find out the irony of that statement). I’m talking about what I did to find answers. I experimented for myself by asking God for answers. I learned to talk to God and listen in return. But I also connected to the Bible and to different churches. I shifted and gave each church a chance for a bit before deciding if I liked it.

I have both my own foundation (a personal relationship with God), and also a good set of churches to visit depending on whether I'm at home or on the road. This gives me a good, balanced perspective when approaching the learning process.

The intro is about over, so what can be expected in the future?

Articles, videos, information packages and more. I will detail how I built my relationship with God and how I avoided all of the junk that others try to throw into it. There will be specific answers to the most common questions, like “If there’s a God why would so many bad things happen?”. Articles will detail things like why certain things don’t work when they should, like prayer and requests for signs.

This comes from my alignment between practical education about human made machines, human behavior and spiritual life. I have a unique view due to decades of self-improvement (with and without spiritual information), working with children and families and working with electronics an mechanics.

My goal is not to change your life. I can’t because that’s your choice and maybe you don't even need it. My goal is to lay out information about how you can find your own reasons to connect.

Take it or leave it. I respect your right to believe whatever you feel is right, no matter what.

Further information and help with proving God's existence

The Atheist Package

A compilation of articles and videos, presenting everything from solid theory to unshakable evidence.

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About Me

I'm the largest human you see to the left. In spite of my faults, my biggest life goal is to follow Christ, and to pass on how it can be done. The constant work it takes to run this presence, "Getting to God", it's my thank you for the Grace and resources given to me by my hero, my spiritual father.    Read More


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